It's Showtime!

When I go to the movies, I like to get there early. I can get my candy, use the restroom, and scout out the perfect seats, all at a leisurely pace.

Five minutes before show time, however, things invariably get ugly; the morons arrive.
They stare at the full auditorium in wonderment; you know they are thinking, “Where did all these people come from?” They continue to stare, as if the longer they look, the likelihood of getting six seats together gets greater and greater. When they finally realize that they have no shot at getting six seats together, they split up and sit at lone seats in rows. Of course they have to wave and signal to each other, “Hey, I’m here!” Then they roll their eyes; they could’ve been together if it hadn’t have been for us idiots screwing their shit up by ARRIVING EARLY!
Even worse are the “Excuse me, can you do me a favor?” morons. You know them; it’s usually a couple, where the man is trying to secure seats for himself and his lady. He usually puffs himself up before launching into, “hey man, can I ask you to move down a seat?”, or, “Miss, please move down for my girlfriend.” You cringe should you see him approaching your row; you know he’s going to say, “I noticed that there are two separate, single seats available in this row; can I ask you seven people to move down a seat?” You would love to summon up the nerve to say, “Well, I notice that you arrived to the theatre late. Surely it would impress your lady more if you planned a little better? So, sure you can ask away, and I’ll answer NO! I got here early for THIS seat, I have no plans to move, pal!” But of course I’m a gutless chump, and all of us move over a seat. You know that the moron who moved us over is smirking in his newfound seat; yeah, he sure knows how to handle us!

Okay, so now everyone is settled in. Once the previews begin, the yammering starts. A cacophony of “Oh, this movie will suck! She’s a terrible actress! He looks hot, but I can’t bear to see that movie! I forgot to get the damn drycleaning! Sue called! Where are we going for dinner?” ensues. Does anyone give a rat’s ass that some people in the audience would like to see the previews? These morons who blather away during the movie previews are the same morons that blather way during a movie about how bad it sucks. Well, if they had shut the fuck up in the first place, they could have made a more informed decision during the preview, rather than subjecting the rest of us to their stupid opinions.
Invariably, these special people are usually the same ones who ruin the movie for everyone. There’s the guy whose cell phone goes off in the middle of the movie. No, he doesn’t sheepishly turn off his phone and slink down in his seat from embarrassment and shame because he forgot to turn off his phone. He doesn’t run to the lobby to take the call because it is of vital importance that he listens to the caller who has a medical emergency, a bomb threat, or the answer to the meaning of life, and if the rest of the audience knew why he had to receive that call we would sigh with relief that he had the foresight to keep his cell phone on. But no, this clown takes his call, “What up, Dawg? I’m seeing a movie right now. Nah, I ain’t seein’ that, but dude, she is hot! Mmm-mmm, she looks good!” And should someone in the audience shush him, we all get, “YOU SHUSH, BITCH! WATCH YOUR DAMN MOVIE.” If we really get lucky, when the guy gets up to leave midway through the movie, and yells out to no one in particular, “This movie fuckin’ sucks!” and slams the theater’s swinging door shut.

I want to be Hugh Hefner, and not for what you think. Sorry, I’m heterosexual, I like men. Nor do I want his money, power, or mansion; I want his screening room and all the first-run movies he gets to watch. He chooses his audience, and if they get unruly and annoying, he’d kick them out. “Candy, Tina, Misty with a “y”, and Misti with an “i”, shut the fuck up! I’m trying to watch “Saw 3”! If you don’t quiet down, I’m gonna pull you all from your centerfold spreads. I mean it, Candy, now stop giving me that sullen look. Now go fetch me some Milk Duds, sweetie. In fact, why don’t ALL of you go? ”

Leave me alone.