Wednesday, May 09, 2007

What about me?

Doesn't anyone care about MY needs?

I have repeatedly tried to help you all, but you don't listen. I have tried to list all the things that are wrong with you, but you are too close-minded to understand.

And now this....... you all want French food for her birthday dinner. Well, I won't go to that. I have a hair appointment, after which I will have American food. You are so selfish, only thinking of YOUR needs. So rigid, never bending. Now I have hit my breaking point.

For my birthday, which is coming SOON, It's all about me. ME. Me, me, me, me and... me! Gifts? I need a small, silver mirror I can keep in my desk so I can make sure I'm looking my best for my VERY IMPORTANT meetings, something all of you don't understand with your unambitious plebe "jobs". If you want to give me flowers, I prefer Narcissus.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Ted Zmed

Working on an entertainment (television or movie) project that you want to get out of without being the one to blame for its failure? Here is the solution. Add Ted McGinley or Adrian Zmed to the project and you'll be moving on in no time!

Think I'm being mean? Well, c'mon, let's look at the track record:

Ted McGinley

Hope and Faith, Married with Children, Cahoots, Hotel, Major League 2: Back to the Minors, Dynasty, The Love Boat (1984-1986), Happy Days (1980-1984), Fantasy Island (1982, 1 episode), Hotel (1985-87 3 episodes)

Yes, Mr. McGinley did Revenge of the Nerds , which did pretty well at the box office. He probably turned down the sequal, looking for something more lucrative. Nothing must have come because he went back for the kiss of death, the second sequel. Two of them, and both TV movies: Revenge of the Nerds III-The Next Generation and Revenge of the Nerds IV- Nerds in Love. Hmmm.

Adrian Zmed

T.J. Hooker, Batchelor Party, (Empty Nest (1988), Murder, She, Wrote (1989, 1 episode), Hotel (1986-87 2 episodes), Honey, I Shrunk the Kids- The TV show (2000 1 episode), Grease 2, and Dance Fever (1985-87)

Yes, Mr. Zmed did Bachelor Party (best line of the movie- "Look at the cans on that bimbo!"), but he also did greased himself up, wore a tie as a headband, and sang on the soundtrack!

Ted McGinley always has whiteboy snotty names like Jefferson, Reese, Clay; or whiteboy idiot monikers like Ace. Adrian Zmed has bohunk dooface names like Vinnie, Johnny, and Frankie. Both Ted and Zmed have shared the first name Kyle (Ted in 3 movies, Zmed in 1) Ted also wins out in the Hotel showings with 3 episodes to Zmed's two.

Ted Zmed manage to get into sequals of hits, or step onto the scene of t.v. shows in their twilite years. I said previously that the kiss of death is the sequal to the sequal, allow me to add; The kiss of death is putting Ted McGinley or Adrian Zmed in any show or film; seemingly an act of desperation for the show/ film to limp forward. Ted Zmed gamely agrees to step into someone elses shoes or gig.

Make a little extra money, throw in Ted Zmed. Their name recognition will get a couple of people to the straight-to-dvd section or a few chuckles as you zip by them on late night t.v.

Update Hollywood, CA.- Talks continue for Basic Instinct 3. Interestingly, Sharon Stone has agreed to revisit her role as Catherine Trammell, the sociopathic best-selling author, despite the scathing reviews she garnered for Basic Instinct 2. In the third installment of the Instict series takes place in New York City. Ted McGinley is set to play the rogue cop, Kyle Stinson, that is forced to relocate from the LAPD after a car chase ended with one pedestrian dead. Adrian Zmed is "Wheels"'s partner, Johnny Guccione, a wise-cracking cop from Little Italy.

Broken, Unkept, and Forgotten, and Dashed

Look in the window. 2.5 carat brilliant-cut diamond with a VV1 clarity set in patinum, flanked by .75 ct. baguette-cut diamonds. It's price $2,198. Interested?

Maxferd Jewelry & Loans
201 Kearny St., San Francisco

Broken, Unkept, Forgotten, and Dashed:
Dreams, promises, vows, and plans.

Fine jewelry sold in:
Desperation, anger, spite, bitterness, tears, and dire straits.

You win when others have lost...
People's lives have come apart...
But Maxferd's prices won't break you!

Maxferd Jewelry & Loans
201 Kearny St., San Francisco

Monday, March 26, 2007

Maybe Next Year

Lena had had enough of her party. Frankly, her guests made her a little nauseous.
She was allergic to chocolate, so that ruled out her birthday cake. Lena didn’t get the Roboraptor, Wild Hunters 1884, or the LEGO Millennium Falcon- things she had explicitly expressed interest in. Instead, she got clothes two sizes too small or 3 sizes too big, creepy dolls, and DVDs you can buy at Walgreen’s in the bargain bin.

Though they showed no signs of leaving, her party guests had to leave. NOW. At the top of her lungs, Lena bellowed,


Lena’s guests audibly gasped as Trixibelle and Clapper danced into the room, replete with garish red frizzed-out hair, orange rubber noses, huge shoes, and multi-colored satin jumpsuits. They honked horns, blew kazoos, belched, hooted and hawed, laughed hysterically; all the while they furiously made balloon animals.

Guests quickly located their keys, shushed their crying children and made excuses to Lena about their early departures as they made their way out:

“I think I left the oven on.”
“I forgot I have a doctor’s appointment.”
“My Halitosia Vulgarus is flaring up.”
“My corns are killing me.”

Lena held the front door open, thanking one and all for the best birthday ever.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Gentle enough for Daily Peruse...

Some random thoughts and suggestions concerning last night's Oscars....

  • What is the problem with staying on time? Orchestra music blares over winner's acceptance speeches, Ellen DeGeneneres frantically tries to moves things on; let's get rid of the Mummunschanz puppet show and the stale, canned humor that presenters have to deliver. No more dance numbers, too. It's all about the winners; it's their night they should have a least a minute for their speeches. See next thought.
  • Winners have only 45 seconds. If it's a group win, it kills me when one asshole won't shutup; then when another person is about to give there thank-you's the music swells. It surprises me that there no blood has been shed yet. The group should get together BEFOREHAND to get their thank-you's together. One representative should thank all parties contributed to the group win. Each member should only be allowed 10 seco0nds. No jokes, no quotes, no mention of kids. "Thank You to my friends and my family", that's it!
  • " Thank You, Jesus". I don't think that Jesus/God/the Almighty had anything to do with anyone winning an Oscar. If there is a God, is He busy watching awards shows? That causes me to wonder what the also-rans did to lose.
  • Celine Dion needs to cut her hair. She is too long in the tooth to have hair that long. Unless she is paying homage to Crystal Gayle.
  • Philip Seymour Hoffman needs to WASH his hair. Maybe times are tough and he sleeps in the restrooms at Kodak Theater. Winning an Oscar doesn't mean instant success. Where is Cuba Gooding, J.R.? Think about it, Jennifer Hudson.
  • Wouldn't it be refreshing to see Jack Nicholson squinting and bobbing his head trying to get a peek at the stage from his nosebleed seat? I'm so sick of seeing him holding court at awards shows and Lakers games! I hope he's bald for a role; white men can't carry off a bald head. That, the sunglasses and the shit-eating grin are too much to bare.

Help me out...

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

2007: The Biggest Season in SF Giant's History

Yes, it is. Accept it. The Giants definitely know it. Major League Baseball is banking on it. "Why do you say so, retard?!", you ask. Well let's get into it:
  1. The All-Star Game at AT&T Park. This is an easy one. The biggest money gouging event for every season ticket holder and EBay auction winner in the Bay Area. This is what the team has been lobbying for since they went into hock to pay for the ballpark. Of course, the MLB owners HATE (and I don't think I capitalized HATE enough) the Giants for building the ballpark with private financing. I mean Selig throws darts at Peter McGowan's picture at his local Milwaukee watering hole on a weekly basis. I have seen it. Unfortunately, I have also seen many Giants fans lining up to drink and join in the game with him lately after the Bond's $15M+ contract. I know, too easy... But seriously, this is one of the few All Star Games that the country actually watches. But more importantly, it brings a lot of money - ahem - attention to the team hosting the game.

  2. Barry Bonds final season and the Aaron homerun record. Another easy one. Barry Bonds will finally get that big record he needs to win over the public! Oops, that is from my Brtiney Spears post coming up! Just ignore that. But they just look SO similar lately.

    Of course the world - when I say world I mean ONLY Barry Bonds fans located primarily in the San Francisco Bay Area - will be watching who most Americans believe to be the national icon for drug enhanced cheating chase, and definitely surpass, Hank Aaron's amazing 755 homerun record. "A close source" said he use performance enhancing drugs, so he must've, right? I mean San Diego Charger, Shawne Merriman, is actually CAUGHT taking steroids and he played in the Pro Bowl. Sheesh! But as for Bonds and the Giants we are talking about baseball history no matter how tainted you or I feel his numbers to be. People will be watching and MLB will celebrate it. And if Bonds is taken off the field in handcuffs for perjury, MLB will see it as a victory as well. "You see! We are cleaning up baseball!".

  3. Offseason Pickups illustrate the beginning of the Youth Movement. Yes, in the offseason we picked up lots of young talent to guide us to a bright future. Bengie Molina, Rich Aurilia, Pedro Feliz, Ray Durham, Dave Roberts. (Non-Baseball fans - If you knew those names, you would be giggling now.) As a Giants fan, you have no doubt seen this "let's pick up some marginally good veteren players to try to make the playoffs while Barry Bonds is still around" scenario before. It is hardly the direction we expected going into this winter but, okay, here we are again. The Giants, and when I say the Giants I mean Peter Mcgowan, believe we have a pretty competitive team this year and are going to go for it (it = some kinda playoff spot will suffice). Alright. I will go along with it...until Benitez enters the 9th after the 8-inning 2-0 shutout Zito just threw.

  4. Two Words: Barry Zito. From now on we will call him Barry $ito. You don't pay a guy $126 million unless you are showing the rest of baseball and its fans that, hey, we MEAN business. Actually the $ito signing is quite exciting. I do like the guy, except when I see pictures of him trying to be a musician. Pictures with Hillary Duff, fine. Pictures with a guitar, uh...No. Big contract + biggest Free Agent = Hopes for a big season. Proven formula. Ask my friend Will. He is a REAL scientist type guy.

  5. Marquee Teams on the Interleague schedule. This is another example of how MLB gave the Giants a golden gift in hopes of a big payoff for both. The Giants are playing not one, but 2 of the biggest teams in the AL, the Yankees and the Red Sox. If you go to the MLB or Giants website there are vacation packages to see the Giants play in Boston and for when the Yankees play in SF. I know. I already purchased my plane tickets to Boston. (Insert your comment here. I will list 2 common responses for you: 1) "What a $*#$* tool!" or 2) "How cool! I should make my plans now too!" Anyway, throw in Toronto as well and you have a pretty solid interleague schedule this year. I wonder who Larry Baer blew to get these teams on the schedule? (sorry, Larry)

  6. Brian Sabaen's Job is on the Line. Sadly, it is true. I like Brian Sabaen and I feel we are lucky to have him. However, this and past offseason pickups (with a few exceptions - Yes you, Omar) have been fairly lackluster and he will always be remembered for the one REALLY bad trade: Do I even have to list it? Okay let's just say the player we got rhymes with "turd-zinks-key". I really wish to state my defense of Sabaen here (Brian, my PayPal account is associated with my email address) because it is totally unfair to blame him completely for many of the transactions. The Giants management (and when I say management I mean Petey Boy) have been very involved making some of the bad decisions (meaning paying Bonds $15M+ when no one else wanted him). Unfortunately, Sabaen will be fired after this season unless the Giants make it to the World Series (and win). Ugh, with the sorry state of the bullpen right now, I am publicly starting a "farewell wreath" fund. Nothing fancy. Please send donations to said PayPal account.

By now you are saying, "Okay idiot none of this adds up to the biggest season ever" or "He makes sense!" - Thanks Lauren! However, being a self-proclaimed Giants insider, here are announcements to expect in the coming weeks to further prove my theory:

1. Famous Giants of Old all the time! I would not want to be Willie McCovey, Willie Mays, Orlando Cepeda, Juan Marichal, Mike McCormick, etc right now. They are going to wheel out those guys every chance they get. The Giants should just build a "All Star" dorm behind the Coca Cola Fan Lot so they can stay comfortably onsite when needed. Willie Mays will be greeting fans in the Plaza named in his honor almost every game. They will dunk Willie McCovey in the cove! Bad knees and all. They will probably display Jose Uribe's corpse in the club level if it will attract more fans this year. He will be holding a sign advertising the $1500 All-Star ticket strips available if you decide to purchase season tickets for the next ten years.

2. Every Friday is Fireworks Night! That is right. Who doesn't love Fireworks? Those games always sell out so why not do it all the time?! Pow, Oooh, Wow over really cheesy patriotic music in honor of the troops. Nice! Even if the team isn't playing a home game there will be fireworks over AT&T park. What's that? Of course the concessions stands will be open! That will be $40, please. Yes, we take credit cards.

3. JT Snow Shirtless Saturdays. For the ladies the reading stops here. Now that JT Snow is back with the team doing "a wide variety of duties" as the Giants say, one of his primary tasks is to be the Giants big hunk of man meat for the chicks! So at every Saturday game JT will appear throughout the ballpark and broadcast next to Kruk and Kuip with no shirt on. Imagine him absent-mindedly rubbing in coconut oil while discussing how Rich Aurilia botched a 1st base fielding play. Yummy!

4. And finally, for the menfolk: Giant's Girls! The men can't be left out. Lou is for the kids. JT for the ladies, so we get the Giant's girls! They are like the Warrior Girls but even more talented and nekkid. Lou will perform Hip Hop dance routines with Da Girls in between innings shaking his stomach fat in raunchy ways. I am picturing the big number being performed to Usher's Yeah! with LOTS of heavy thrusting. Oh, and you cannot forget the bikini calender. Yes, Lou will be in there, too. Spicy!

I, for one, am excited this year. I am not being sarcastic. I love the Giants and have been waiting since I was 7 years old to see them win a championship. I feel sorry for the older fans who have been waiting much longer. I am sorry to tell you that this doesn't look like the year. I will just be patient while Billy Beane keeps building winners across the Bay.

But hey! Either way the season turns out, we win! Colossal failure or Championship season? Who cares? Everything is BIGGER this year. Big Games! Big Names! Big All Star Game! Bigger Price Increases on Food!

On that topic, thank goodness I am not a beer drinker. They will break the $10 barrier this year I bet. My favorite hot dog, the Home Run Dog, will surely go up in price to help pay for this big mess. Jesus, it is already $6 so I assume it will be $9 or $10 this year. Come by and say hi to me while I wait in line. It is the outdoor grill on the left field side near the bleachers. I will be the person wearing the Giants hat with a really light wallet. There will be a lot of us out there but I will be the one holding a VERY cute toddler (yes, she is mine!). Hey, those $7 heat lamp fries aren't going to pay for themselves, right?

Please offer your insults or comments below. DO IT!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

If it's not too much trouble...

Hey Will!

Hope everything is well with you and you have properly decompressed from last Saturday!

Anyway, this Saturday, Charlie's birthday party, will be pretty hectic for us. With the food and beverage coming in, setting up at my mother's house, making sure Charlie gets in a nap, we are not going to be able to do a few things. Would it be possible for you to:

Pick up Charlie's birthday cake Address:
Mazzetti's Bakery, 101 Manor Dr, Pacifica, CA 94044 (it’s right off of Highway 1) (650) 355-1007

2. "1" candle. I don't mean the "1" candle you get at the grocery store; we need one of the handmade candles you can find in small shops- I remember seeing them in Half Moon Bay, I think. I'll leave it to you to find a good one.

3. Feed Little Kitty at noon. This is pretty important because her special food has a time-release medicine in it. You can pick up the house key on Saturday at 8:00 am or so, though earlier would be much appreciated!

4. Pick up dry cleaning, it sucks but Charlie's party dress isn't ready until Saturday at 9:30. Sea Breeze Cleaners: 1420 Castro St, San Francisco, CA (415) 824-5474 if there is a problem, ask for Kim, she is the owner.

If you can't do this, I'll understand and try to find some else. Please let me know ASAP.

Either way, look forward to seeing you Saturday!

Thank you so much!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Pants on fire!

Years ago you said you had a "thyroid problem", and that in a year or two the medication would clear it up. Perhaps, your thyroid is out of control, they have not developed medication strong enough to take care of it. You are a medical anomaly; scientists are working around the clock to find a cure for the excess weight. You are so brave, your resolve so strong; no mention or complaining of your "problem". Don't worry, others may have forgotten your plight, I have not.

Years ago, you and your husband announced you would be running for office soon, that we should make sure there were no skeletons in our closets. Well, my closet is only messy, how's yours? Or maybe someone beat you, in a narrow race, to become the Mayor of Liarville.