2007: The Biggest Season in SF Giant's History

Yes, it is. Accept it. The Giants definitely know it. Major League Baseball is banking on it. "Why do you say so, retard?!", you ask. Well let's get into it:

1. The All-Star Game at AT&T Park. This is an easy one. The biggest money gouging event for every season ticket holder and EBay auction winner in the Bay Area. This is what the team has been lobbying for since they went into hock to pay for the ballpark. Of course, the MLB owners HATE (and I don't think I capitalized HATE enough) the Giants for building the ballpark with private financing. I mean Selig throws darts at Peter McGowan's picture at his local Milwaukee watering hole on a weekly basis. I have seen it. Unfortunately, I have also seen many Giants fans lining up to drink and join in the game with him lately after the Bond's $15M+ contract. I know, too easy... But seriously, this is one of the few All Star Games that the country actually watches. But more importantly, it brings a lot of money - ahem - attention to the team hosting the game.


2. Barry Bonds final season and the Aaron homerun record. Another easy one. Barry Bonds will finally get that big record he needs to win over the public! Oops, that is from my Brtiney Spears post coming up! Just ignore that. But they just look SO similar lately.
   
   Of course the world - when I say world I mean ONLY Barry Bonds fans located primarily in the San Francisco Bay Area - will be watching who most Americans believe to be the national icon for drug enhanced cheating chase, and definitely surpass, Hank Aaron's amazing 755 homerun record. "A close source" said he use performance enhancing drugs, so he must've, right? I mean San Diego Charger, Shawne Merriman, is actually CAUGHT taking steroids and he played in the Pro Bowl. Sheesh! But as for Bonds and the Giants we are talking about baseball history no matter how tainted you or I feel his numbers to be. People will be watching and MLB will celebrate it. And if Bonds is taken off the field in handcuffs for perjury, MLB will see it as a victory as well. "You see! We are cleaning up baseball!".



3. Offseason Pickups illustrate the beginning of the Youth Movement. Yes, in the offseason we picked up lots of young talent to guide us to a bright future. Bengie Molina, Rich Aurilia, Pedro Feliz, Ray Durham, Dave Roberts. (Non-Baseball fans - If you knew those names, you would be giggling now.) As a Giants fan, you have no doubt seen this "let's pick up some marginally good veteren players to try to make the playoffs while Barry Bonds is still around" scenario before. It is hardly the direction we expected going into this winter but, okay, here we are again. The Giants, and when I say the Giants I mean Peter Mcgowan, believe we have a pretty competitive team this year and are going to go for it (it = some kinda playoff spot will suffice). Alright. I will go along with it...until Benitez enters the 9th after the 8-inning 2-0 shutout Zito just threw.



4. Two Words: Barry Zito. From now on we will call him Barry $ito. You don't pay a guy $126 million unless you are showing the rest of baseball and its fans that, hey, we MEAN business. Actually the $ito signing is quite exciting. I do like the guy, except when I see pictures of him trying to be a musician. Pictures with Hillary Duff, fine. Pictures with a guitar, uh...No. Big contract + biggest Free Agent = Hopes for a big season. Proven formula. Ask my friend Will. He is a REAL scientist type guy.



5. Marquee Teams on the Interleague schedule. This is another example of how MLB gave the Giants a golden gift in hopes of a big payoff for both. The Giants are playing not one, but 2 of the biggest teams in the AL, the Yankees and the Red Sox. If you go to the MLB or Giants website there are vacation packages to see the Giants play in Boston and for when the Yankees play in SF. I know. I already purchased my plane tickets to Boston. (Insert your comment here. I will list 2 common responses for you: 1) "What a $*#$* tool!" or 2) "How cool! I should make my plans now too!" Anyway, throw in Toronto as well and you have a pretty solid interleague schedule this year. I wonder who Larry Baer blew to get these teams on the schedule? (sorry, Larry)



6. Brian Sabaen's Job is on the Line. Sadly, it is true. I like Brian Sabaen and I feel we are lucky to have him. However, this and past offseason pickups (with a few exceptions - Yes you, Omar) have been fairly lackluster and he will always be remembered for the one REALLY bad trade: Do I even have to list it? Okay let's just say the player we got rhymes with "turd-zinks-key". I really wish to state my defense of Sabaen here (Brian, my PayPal account is associated with my email address) because it is totally unfair to blame him completely for many of the transactions. The Giants management (and when I say management I mean Petey Boy) have been very involved making some of the bad decisions (meaning paying Bonds $15M+ when no one else wanted him). Unfortunately, Sabaen will be fired after this season unless the Giants make it to the World Series (and win). Ugh, with the sorry state of the bullpen right now, I am publicly starting a "farewell wreath" fund. Nothing fancy. Please send donations to said PayPal account.
   

By now you are saying, "Okay idiot none of this adds up to the biggest season ever" or "He makes sense!" - Thanks Lauren! However, being a self-proclaimed Giants insider, here are announcements to expect in the coming weeks to further prove my theory:

1. Famous Giants of Old all the time! I would not want to be Willie McCovey, Willie Mays, Orlando Cepeda, Juan Marichal, Mike McCormick, etc right now. They are going to wheel out those guys every chance they get. The Giants should just build a "All Star" dorm behind the Coca Cola Fan Lot so they can stay comfortably onsite when needed. Willie Mays will be greeting fans in the Plaza named in his honor almost every game. They will dunk Willie McCovey in the cove! Bad knees and all. They will probably display Jose Uribe's corpse in the club level if it will attract more fans this year. He will be holding a sign advertising the $1500 All-Star ticket strips available if you decide to purchase season tickets for the next ten years.

2. Every Friday is Fireworks Night! That is right. Who doesn't love Fireworks? Those games always sell out so why not do it all the time?! Pow, Oooh, Wow over really cheesy patriotic music in honor of the troops. Nice! Even if the team isn't playing a home game there will be fireworks over AT&T park. What's that? Of course the concessions stands will be open! That will be $40, please. Yes, we take credit cards.

3. JT Snow Shirtless Saturdays. For the ladies the reading stops here. Now that JT Snow is back with the team doing "a wide variety of duties" as the Giants say, one of his primary tasks is to be the Giants big hunk of man meat for the chicks! So at every Saturday game JT will appear throughout the ballpark and broadcast next to Kruk and Kuip with no shirt on. Imagine him absent-mindedly rubbing in coconut oil while discussing how Rich Aurilia botched a 1st base fielding play. Yummy!

4. And finally, for the menfolk: Giant's Girls! The men can't be left out. Lou is for the kids. JT for the ladies, so we get the Giant's girls! They are like the Warrior Girls but even more talented and nekkid. Lou will perform Hip Hop dance routines with Da Girls in between innings shaking his stomach fat in raunchy ways. I am picturing the big number being performed to Usher's Yeah! with LOTS of heavy thrusting. Oh, and you cannot forget the bikini calender. Yes, Lou will be in there, too. Spicy!

I, for one, am excited this year. I am not being sarcastic. I love the Giants and have been waiting since I was 7 years old to see them win a championship. I feel sorry for the older fans who have been waiting much longer. I am sorry to tell you that this doesn't look like the year. I will just be patient while Billy Beane keeps building winners across the Bay.

But hey! Either way the season turns out, we win! Colossal failure or Championship season? Who cares? Everything is BIGGER this year. Big Games! Big Names! Big All Star Game! Bigger Price Increases on Food!

On that topic, thank goodness I am not a beer drinker. They will break the $10 barrier this year I bet. My favorite hot dog, the Home Run Dog, will surely go up in price to help pay for this big mess. Jesus, it is already $6 so I assume it will be $9 or $10 this year. Come by and say hi to me while I wait in line. It is the outdoor grill on the left field side near the bleachers. I will be the person wearing the Giants hat with a really light wallet. There will be a lot of us out there but I will be the one holding a VERY cute toddler (yes, she is mine!). Hey, those $7 heat lamp fries aren't going to pay for themselves, right?

Please offer your insults or comments below. DO IT!